I was 40 lbs heavier, suffering from Binge Eating Disorder and Orthorexia Nervosa, and overwhelmed with self loathing and food addictions. For 6 years, I cycled in and out of this hateful relationship with myself and with food. I know countless numbers of us have been in this place before- hopeless and trapped bodies we don’t want, desperately trying anything and everything to change.

For me, an unhealthy food + body relationship started young. I went on my first ‘diet’ in grade school, and from that point on, I consistently restricted my eating and forced exercise. Being on a diet was non-negotiable. The constant comparison and self-judgement continued through high school, and then I made a decision that cemented this negative obsession: I enrolled in a theater program to pursue a career as an actor (an industry rooted in self-criticism- the beautiful, skinny people seemed to be the most successful). While in school, I was outwardly thriving as an actor; but on the inside, I was falling apart. I developed double eating disorders, and food became my coping mechanism.

when I moved to the most cutthroat city in the world: New York. Everyday, I was in and out of stressful auditions, working hospitality jobs that depleted my joy, and experiencing rejection on a daily basis.

After two years of 'the grind,' my ED's still going strong, I booked my first long-term, well paying job as an actor. That job changed my life. I was able to do what I LOVE every day, I felt a new sense of purpose and validity, and I settled into mindfulness practices like meditation, journaling and yoga. At the end of the 8 months I spent on that job, I returned home, and my family and friends didn't recognize me! I had lost 40 pounds without trying. No one could believe that I hadn't dieted or started exercising more. The truth was, it wasn't what I had done, it was what I had stopped doing: I had stopped punishing myself for not being skinny, and found value in myself that I hadn't seen before. In that space, the weight came off naturally.

The cycle continued after graduation,